Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (Spielberg, 2008): USA

Reviewed by Richard Feilden.  Viewed in Theater

Where do I begin with Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull?  Am I really expected to believe that this was the best that the combined might of Spielberg and Lucas could produce?  These two are capable of delivering some of the finest popcorn-cinema ever to grace the silver screen, and yet they have given us this?  You need read no further, just heed my warning and avoid this film.

The plot, for what it is worth, revolves around a lost crystal skull (but you’d already guessed that!).  Recovery of the skull will be, so the legends say, rewarded with ultimate power (see Ark of the Covenant, Sankara stones and the Holy Grail for points of reference).  Kidnapped by Communists (who have replaced the 30s Nazis as the enemy de jour) Dr Jones is forced to help find the skull and the temple to which it must be returned.  But the journey is interrupted by communist accusations against Indiana himself, as well as the arrival of a young man named Mutt…
One of the things that the previous Indiana Jones films had in their favor was the fact that, as long as you could buy the mystical elements, there were few things which forced you to suspend disbelief too dramatically.  Sure, the cart jump from Temple of Doom was a little farfetched, and we weren’t entirely sure how (or why!) Wille wasn’t turned into charcoal, but on the whole it was easy to suspend disbelief and go along for the ride.  Not so in the case The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull.  And here is why.

Indiana Jones and the Insulters of Audience Intelligence

This film thinks you are stupid.  Really, really, stupid.  Our introduction to Indy takes place at Area 51, inside a very familiar warehouse.  If you’ve ever seen the first Indy film you know exactly what lies within.  However Spielberg has decided that you might somehow have become confused and insists on showing you the Ark of the Covenant poking out of a broken crate.  If you’ve seen Raiders this is unnecessary.  If you’ve never seen it then you must surely be wondering what the big golden box is.  Whilst this is not the worst thing that the film does, it exemplifies the film’s lack of faith in the audience.  We all know that the 50s were the era of ever present nuclear threat, so do we really need to see our geriatric hero survive an atomic bomb detonation, particularly when his survival rests on his ability to withstand being flung half way across Nevada in a fridge?  I know the writers wanted us to get the message that the world had changed since Indy’s heyday, but was this really the best they could do?  The film goes on to shower the audience with long winded sequences of exposition, relaying what is, or should be, obvious and it just gets tedious.

Indiana Jones and the Terrible CGI

The earlier films relied on clever editing, cinematography and actual sets to get you into the thick of the action.  The sheer physicality of Jones’s surroundings gave them weight and an air of excitement.  I’ve never looked at the opening of Raiders and thought ‘If only that boulder had been computer generated, this could have been so much more thrilling’!  Yet for some reason (and, I fear, the reason was probably the CGI evangelist in the producer’s chair) this fourth installment is full of CGI.  And it is terrible.  I mean really, truly, utterly awful.  From the comedy gophers in the opening sequence, to Shia LaBeouf’s elastic legs during the jungle chase, the CGI ruins sequence after sequence.  It may allow you to do every more fantastical things, but bigger is not better Mr. Spielberg, better is better.

Indiana Jones and the Bizarre Plot Elements

One of the prerequisite elements of any Indy story is a diabolical villain and, in The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, that role is filled by Cate Blanchett as Col. Dr. Irina Spalko.  Spalko is apparently a psychic.  I say apparently because apart from frowning once at Indy and declaring him ‘hard to read’ she does absolutely nothing else with this wondrous ability.  Nothing, zip, zilch, nada.  For all we know she is just bonkers!  It is as though one person wrote the first sequence and then passed it on to another screen writer, sealed in an envelope, for them to carry on.  Then there is the moment in which Indy is, in the presence of Mutt, inexplicably stricken with a conscience over removing a knife from a mummified body.  For crying out loud he is INDIANA JONES!  He is the original tomb raider.  This is what he does!  James Bond kills enemy spies, Spiderman swings from buildings and Indiana Jones loots tombs.  Don’t mess with the basics.

I could go on to protest the lack of suspense, the fact that Indy doesn’t really do anything other than get dragged around by the bad guys or the genocide that no one seems to care about, but it would really be flogging a dead horse.  I did smile when we got the brief moments where the characters got to have fun away from a green screen and I did enjoy being in the company of Dr. Jones one more time, but only for brief moments.  Has Spielberg ruined my childhood as other reviewers have protested?  No, he hasn’t gone that far.  Discovering that my Dad tortured kittens or my Mom voted for Margret Thatcher would ruin it and a bad Indy film just doesn’t have that power.  Has it ruined by trust in Spielberg’s abilities as the best popcorn film director (George, you already lost your crown – you know what you did!)?  Let’s just say that whatever he comes up with next had better be damn good.  It’s going to take some real whip-cracking fun to bury the memory of this unconvincing rubber snake of a flick.

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Published:
06.12.08 / 1pm
Category:
Films