Tercer Grado, (Geoffrey Cowper, 2015): Spain

Reviewed (creatively) by Anna Acuna, viewed at the 2016 Santa Barbara Film Festival.

Grand Theft Auto: Seville

Scene opens: You are Mark (played by Jesus Lloveras), a stoic but steamy Spanish man. You are walking determinedly out of your prison gates, into the sweltering Spanish heat. Sweat beads on your tanned and perfectly proportioned forehead. The sky is tinted orange with heat. You are out of prison for your weekend leave. You have two options:

A) visit your brother, and see if the money you gave to your stripper girlfriend Mia ever reached him on time.

B) find your girlfriend Mia and ensue in raucous lovemaking.

Before you can decide, a prison bus pulls up. You notice there are no other passengers. The driver is wearing a creepy plastic mask, and you are dragged unto the bus. Extremely loud and disorienting electric rock starts playing. A bag is put over your head. It smells of stale tortilla chips and blood. You are punched in the gut three times, and deposited under one of the seats. (-300 points) Seeing stars and tasting blood, you curl into fetal position. You hear what sounds like a child crying in the back of the bus. You struggle to worm your way across the ground silently, because your protector’s instincts tell you to crawl towards the sound.

“Jaja, buen intento, tonto.”

(“Nice try, fool.”)

Another kick to the gut. (-100 points) You are officially incapacitated, and you pass out into tunnel of black. Scene closes.

Scene opens: When you awake you are in a attached to a plastic blow up pool raft, floating in the turquoise waters of a kidney shaped villa pool. The bag has been removed from your face. Your clothes are dripping wet with sweat, and as you open your eyes you are blinded with the piercing rays of the sun. Your immediate instinct is to find a way to dip into the water, but as you squint into the semi-clear water you see a menacing, hulking shape swimming in the waters below you. You are panicked. Before you can come up with a solution you hear a familiar, sweet voice beckoning you from the other side of the pool.

“Mark, ven a mi!”

(“Mark, come to me!”)

There is Mia, and she looks hot, literally. There is steam coming off her skin like a tall, cold glass of water placed in the sun and the air around her is glowing orange. Shocked, you reach a foot into the water and paddle towards her. She cuts the duct tape off with a nail file, and you jump out of the pool forcefully. As you look at the tiger shark cutting through the deep swimming pool she says:

(“Me tuvieron en el congelador. Vamonos.”)

(“They had me in the freezer. Let’s go.”)

She grabs you by the hand and you both start running towards an unmanned garage in the three story Spanish style house. As you’re sprinting, you see the men Mia has knocked down, and you grab one of their guns, and their keys. (100 points). You click the car key and find the tangerine Bronco that goes with it. You two jump in and back out of the driveway, going 45mph. The deafening rock resumes. A black Escalade races after you, out of the gilded metal gate and down the mountainous road. You take a sharp turn up a side road, because you by chance know exactly where you are going. The black Escalade pitches off the steep side of the cliff trying to match your tight turn, and flies off the road into a burst of flame that matches the hue of your new ride. Mia hands you a cigarette from her purple pack, and you light up. Mia tilts her chair back and takes a puff. A tiny, gratified smile reaches your lips as you speed off towards your brothers house.

You’ve won. Scene closes.