Bitch Slap (Rick Jacobson, 2009): USA

Reviewed by Kyle Calbreath. Viewed on DVD

Any hetero male,  lesbian, sexual experimenter or bored human looking for a crime filled chick on chick romp through the sand is bound to lust over soft core porn action flick Bitch Slap.

The movie follows three women, dressed in scandalous, barely there clothing of course, on a path of ass destruction to find $200 million dollars in diamonds buried underneath a trailer deep in the desert.  At first we know nothing of these women except that they are well endowed and a whole lot of crazy. All is done through either the sexual liberation of women or the exploitation of them. Or both.

Through the formalistic, comic book style film making, we are cascaded back in time to get the full thrust of the story. Trixie plays the sweet and innocent stripper used to lure a hardcore underworld crime boss named Gage into submission with the use of her inner thighs. Hels, the thick red head who appears to be the leader of the threesome, talks Trixie into doing the deed. For your jollies, the two are lovers. The third is Camero. She’s a crazy, trigger happy ex-con who pops a lot of pills that cause her to, what else, orgasm. She is the most extreme, the loose cannon.

As the film takes the viewer further into the recent past with flashbacks, we catch glimpses of what exactly is happening. We get that Trixie is in harms way. Some diamonds are stolen from someone, for someone, and then by someone else.  A killing machine crime lord named Pinkie, Trixie, and Hels have a child.  Then Hels is actually a secret agent, but then she’s in prison with Camero and makes a deal to get out.  Something happened at a place called The Glory Hole, yada yada yada. We receive all this information in between the girls having minor spats, then coming together to throw buckets of water onto each other in the sand. Where they got all this water in the middle of the scorching desert is beyond my grasp. And on a more important note, why aren’t they drinking it?

The script is the most enjoyable part of this beaver fest. Let’s just say the police officer, who is a young hot thing that none of the girls want engage with, is named Officer Fuchs, remove the H and place a K. The innuendo keeps on coming, no pun intended. The one-liners and name of characters get more outrageous as the film progresses. Hels’ secret agent code name is Foxy 69.

As the tension climaxes in the present the girl’s costumes seem to get smaller and smaller as they rough it out, make out and blow up everything and anything.

The fight scenes are, again, girl on girl, pounding each other out, and require much breast grabbing and punches to the vagina. For comedy effect the film makers have edited in cat noises to the mix when the girls get hit where the sun does not shine.

All in all I have to say this film was rather entertaining in its complete stupidity.  Don’t let the fact that my housemate left the room in the first twenty minutes turn you off. I’d say if you are into comedic fight scenes, explosions, the over-use of split screens, and women using there fists on each other, then by all means pick up Bitch Slap for all your kicks, no matter how ri-dick-ulous. Pun intended.